confession
I hate these awful looking cartoons that are so popular nowadays. This includes Steven Universe, Over the Garden Wall, and Gravity Falls. And not just those, but Bob's Burgers, Archer, Adventure Time, Chowder, Gumball, Foster's, Flapjack, and basically any other "silly, dumpy-looking" animations that are just so fucking ugly, I can't take it. The only weird exception is Bravest Warriors, and even then, I wouldn't even put that in my top 50 animated shows/movies. I don't know how these got to be so ragingly popular, but it's getting to the point where I just get pissed off even seeing a screenshot of them.
I don't even think it's because I'm used to watching anime at this point, because I love stuff like Justice League, Batman/Superman, X-men Evolution, Avatar/Korra, Metalocalypse, the Oblongs, Boondocks, and of course older shows like PPG, Dexter's Lab, Courage, Hey Arnold, and even older ones like Animaniacs and Freakazoid. Plenty of those are stupidly silly, bordering on absurd, and yet I don't find them so... offensive.
Maybe it'll forever be a mystery, but I'm just tired of this slog of shitty animated shows and cartoons nowadays. Makes me wanna stop trying to like anything in that medium.
I love learning. I hate education.
So much has been going on. I wanted to wait until maybe Mid-terms to write, but this past week has been so mentally tumultuous. Or rather, shit's hard, yo. I managed, somehow, to cram in work for 5 classes in a combined 6-ish hours, and I didn't die. There was an online test, a draft for a short story for workshop, a 300 page book, four peer critiques, a 750 word reading response, and 8 pages of Japanese translation. I spent this morning hating myself for 3 hours because I forced myself to work on all this shit with nothing else except a piano playlist on Spotify. But you know what, I think in the past I would have just given up. Nope, don't have the work, not going to break my back (or brain) trying to cram it all in last minute. But you know what, I don't have time for MY shenanigans anymore. Yeah, I keep my social life separate from my class life so that if I miss class, nobody gives a shit. I can just say I was sick or "needed a day", and they're never the wiser. It actually pisses me off when people try to check up on me to see if I'm doing my homework. Like, my real-life response is to just not do the assignment just to spite them. It's pretty awful.
Anyway, I said fuck that. This is my last semester. I have easy classes, I have awesome profs, and my school schedule has never been more free... if only I wouldn't procrastinate so much. I've brought this up to my counselor, but even with her, I've lied and said that I was doing well and doing all my assignments on time. Because what's she going to do, actually check? No, that's on me. I'm accountable for my own grades. And the sooner I stop half-assing, the sooner I'll be graduated already.
Honestly I've just always pushed back against the system. It's become worse in recent years with all the technology in my life, especially having a smart phone to kill time on, to where I'd rather play games on it than do my actual homework. Even my outside studies of kanji isn't helping matters, because every hour I spend studying that, is an hour I could be putting toward my assignments that are actually due. /sigh
Anyway, today was completely tense and I was hoping for some reprieve after classes, but sadly no excitement shall be had. I'm considering confessing what's truly been going on to my counselor, now that I seem to have everything back on the right path. I even went and apologized to my prof tonight and she was completely understanding and I did my best to participate in the class with what little I had. I don't hate going to class, or learning, or group discussions, or reading articles, or anything like that. It's all the outside stuff with deadlines attached that make me nauseous. But soon all I'll have to worry about is the crushing student debt I'll be paying back for the next 20 years. /sigh Yay >.>
This soul-sucking summer :/
I knew that this summer was going to be tough. I knew that. But it was like all my confidence made someone in the universe mad, and they cracked their knuckles and said “You think you’re ready for reality?” and then proceeded to literally shit on my life, day after day. It was always something. I think it started way back in the beginning of this year when my laptop died. It was a two month battle and in the end I couldn’t win. At the same time, I had surgery to have a cyst removed from my lady parts and had also recently broken up with my boyfriend.
There wasn’t too much in between that troubled me, but around mid March I had to drop one of my core classes. Luckily it didn’t affect my GPA, and I was still full-time. I didn’t think too much of it. I passed everything else without too much issue, and I felt relieved.
No, scratch that. I felt good about myself. Really good, actually. I got my program certs signed and sent off for my graduation, and looking at what I had left, determined that I only needed 7 classes to graduate. Would have been 6 if I hadn’t dropped the one from March, but oh well. I signed up for two classes. Both of them were to be held at night, on campus, meeting twice a week each. That’d leave me with the days during the week open for a summer job. It was perfect and nothing could go wrong. I even looked at the tuition for two summer courses and the money left from my financial aid, and I would have more than enough to pay it in full. Score, right?
Not exactly. While I was in the airport, about to fly out to California to see my only little sister graduate, I get an email saying that one of my night classes had been canceled. Luckily it was my upper level elective and not my core class. However, I still needed it and I panicked. I somehow managed to find another course that for the requirements. This one was an online course, and to my disappointment, it may have been one of the worst mistakes of my college career. More on that later though.
Okay, I say to myself, that’s alright. You’ve still got this. I came back from California and started attending my night class and working on my online one as well.
Then it happened. Something that would set into motion everything that has screwed with my whole summer: bedbugs.
Now since I’m on mobile, I can’t link to the story, but I’ve ranted about it enough. The point being that I had an awful infestation. I had woken up feeling little tickles on my arms or legs and swiped them away, thinking nothing of it. Half the time it was a detached hair of mine (I shed like crazy). But finally I was waking up to these insects on my pillows, my walls, my ceiling. When I finally got the courage to peel back my bed sheets, I wasn’t ready for the literal horror underneath. Swarms. Nests. Crowds. All right underneath me at night, feasting on my blood.
I can’t decide if my next move was something smart or one I’ll regret forever. I made the decision to inform my roommate. She was a friend I had had for five years, since I met her at university when I got back from Japan. In my mind, she was pragmatic, but not unreasonable. Maybe she was in the same boat even. Her reaction to the news was of general “oh no”-ness, and we arranged for an inspector. I’m going to skip ahead but essentially we disagreed on the way we should treat the apartment, and she decided that she would move out much more quickly than planned. This included taking her washer and dryer, as well as our internet connection, as well as keeping communication with me to a scarily-strict business level. I was left to take care of the problem. Just as well, I knew I should be the one to clean up after my own mess. It just hurt me deep to see her go the way she did.
It was hell to get rid of my mattress and box springs. Not even the Health Department would take them away. I couldn’t put them in the dumpster, even when I called the garbage company and explained my situation; my leasing office insisted that I find some other way. I finally managed because my mother got in contact with some old friends who took them away from me.
The treatment provided by the apartment office was $48 a pop. I’ve had 5 treatments so far. I’ve also spent money on garbage bags and plastic wrap, and whatever else I can think of to get rid of the infestation. I sleep on an air mattress. Everything I own has either been quarantined or sprayed to hell and back.
Oh right. Remember that online class I have? Remember how my roommate took the Internet with her? Remember all the money I’ve spent on taking care of this bedbug stuff? I’m actually going to jump ahead and stop anyone thinking to themselves “why don’t you just do your work at the library/campus?” I’m glad you asked /s.
The day the Internet stopped working, I was doing just that. First I had a doctors appointment, but after that it was straight to campus for me. Except… my car, a ‘96 Tercel, decided that it was going to flat out die. Stopped dead right on the highway merger.
Now I’m no saint. I know that. In fact, I had been about a week behind on my online class work as it was, just dealing with all this crap by myself. However, this was just ridiculous. The day when I go and decide to get back on track and I can’t even do that without something going terribly wrong. I knew my car was going to die sometime but I didn’t know when exactly. I was hoping for winter. Guess not…
I tell myself not to give up. I spent many days just crying and crying. Upset with myself, with the world. It was just crashing down. I spent 4th of July weekend at four different dealerships with my mom, trying to find a good car that won’t break the bank. We manage to find one and it’s a very nice upgrade from what I had, that’s for certain.
Fast forward to a couple days ago and I had girded my loins and went back to my old temp agency. They looked me up and flat out said that I wasn’t allowed to work for them anymore. The news devastated me more than I expected and I spent the ride home crying again. On top of that I didn’t even make it home because I got test results from my doctor saying I have two different infections. Curable, but it was just the icing on the shit cake. Oh yeah, did I mention that for the first time in my life I’ve had to have a cosigner? Not once, but twice. One for the car I now drive, and the other for my new apartment. That’s more than enough reason to feel ashamed. I’m not some college freshman; I’m 27 and a Senior.
Let’s sum up:
Lost my laptop, lost my boyfriend, lost my class, lost my mattress, lost my access to washer/dryer, lost my roommate/long time friend, lost my car, lost my health, and currently losing my mind.
This year, but especially this summer, has been full of loss. It sucks. Fuck this summer.
Another Semester down
Anyway, I've passed all my classes (save for one class I had to Withdraw from) and I am going to take summer classes starting June 1st. It's my first time doing so, and I hope I have the constitution for it. Not only am I doing these classes, I'll also be moving into another apartment... again ;__;
I've been trying to make the best of it, trying not to worry. I feel like I'm lucky right now since my mom went out of her way to get a temporary contract in a city near me, so she could spend time with me. It's sad to say, but I just haven't found a good support system of friends, even in the 5+ years I've been in this area. This is mostly my fault, since I keep to myself so much, so it's natural that I don't have the kinds of friends who will help me in a bind, no matter how big or small.
I'm also trying to keep up with some dying hobbies of mine, such as reading manga. I've decided that I'll try to read one new, one old and see how that goes. I just finished reading Koe no Katachi while also continuing my re-read of Berserk. They're both very good
I've also been, weirdly enough, doing the same with video games. I've been play Project Diva f 2nd for the first time, as well as re-playing/continuing Muramasa Rebirth. On top of that, I've been really buckling down and studying kanji, since I'm only planning on taking one more Japanese class before I graduate. In one week I'll be going to California for the first time ever. I don't think we even had a layover there, so I've truly never been. It's only for 4 days, but I'm going to make sure I go to CoCos and Downtown Disney, maybe even the beach or karaoke! Oh I would love to do karaoke again
I really love to sing.Right. So yeah, not dead, things okay for now, wish things were better... but don't we all? Til next time.
Dating vs. Video Games
Now granted, it shouldn't sound that dramatic. It's not actually the games that got in the way. It was the person choosing to have the games in their life, as well as myself as their girlfriend.
I'd like to go into my history as a gamer, all the hours and money and energy spent for years of my life, not just my childhood... however, that's for another journal. Instead I'll focus on the present. My weekends spent grinding to a boss, or quest-fetching, or beating high scores has long gone away. I just don't have the drive for it anymore. I'm in my last year of college, I'm living on my own, I study and complete assignments everyday, and I'm looking towards a future that doesn't end with me lying dead in a ditch.
(insert gif of Disney's Hades) Listen, I don't have TIME for video games anymore.
I don't make time, I do NOT make it a priority. It's a waste. It can be replaced with literally ANY better hobby, as far as I'm concerned. I speak out of bitterness, but there is a grain of truth to it. People can spout out all kinds of statistics about how it improves teamwork, hand-eye coordination, and other pitiful justifications so they can sleep at night. But the truth is that, at least as far as my personal opinion is concerned, there are better ways to fill your time.
I live a quiet life. I keep to myself, and I make it my personal vendetta to not bother others and possibly get on their bad side. The guys I've dated, I am compliant. One may say I'm a doormat. And that's fine. I do everything in my power to make THEM happy. It's just what I've always done. However, I would expect to be met with graciousness, thankfulness, and some kind of reciprocity. That.. does not happen. I put down everything and focus on the domestic affairs. Especially since I don't live at home, I have a lot more freedom to play house as real as I'm comfortable doing.
What I'm getting to is, when I make priority of people, my hobbies take a back seat. If my focus on them was 100% on weekends, they go down to 5% or less if I have a significant other spending time with me.
I believe I do this out of projection. Any action I do, I want done to me. That's all there is to it. Whether that is healthy or "right" or whatever, has yet to be determined.
So all this stuff in my life goes on the back burner, and I'm completely focused on my partner. I've been called smothering, crazy, attention whore, and most recently, manipulative. All of those titles hurt. It doesn't matter that I shouldn't take them personally; it's hard not to when I thought I was working towards something meaningful, only for my partners to throw these words at me.
I bent over backwards for them. I went the extra mile, did all this work, went out of my way to make them happy... and it was like throwing pearls before swine.
I'm putting it away for now. I go unnoticed once again, and it really fucking sucks. I'm back where I started: alone and only myself.