I don't want to have this journal be too profound. I honestly don't even have it in me. But maybe that's the best time to write.
So much has been going on. I wanted to wait until maybe Mid-terms to write, but this past week has been so mentally tumultuous. Or rather, shit's hard, yo. I managed, somehow, to cram in work for 5 classes in a combined 6-ish hours, and I didn't die. There was an online test, a draft for a short story for workshop, a 300 page book, four peer critiques, a 750 word reading response, and 8 pages of Japanese translation. I spent this morning hating myself for 3 hours because I forced myself to work on all this shit with nothing else except a piano playlist on Spotify. But you know what, I think in the past I would have just given up. Nope, don't have the work, not going to break my back (or brain) trying to cram it all in last minute. But you know what, I don't have time for MY shenanigans anymore. Yeah, I keep my social life separate from my class life so that if I miss class, nobody gives a shit. I can just say I was sick or "needed a day", and they're never the wiser. It actually pisses me off when people try to check up on me to see if I'm doing my homework. Like, my real-life response is to just not do the assignment just to spite them. It's pretty awful.
Anyway, I said fuck that. This is my last semester. I have easy classes, I have awesome profs, and my school schedule has never been more free... if only I wouldn't procrastinate so much. I've brought this up to my counselor, but even with her, I've lied and said that I was doing well and doing all my assignments on time. Because what's she going to do, actually check? No, that's on me. I'm accountable for my own grades. And the sooner I stop half-assing, the sooner I'll be graduated already.
Honestly I've just always pushed back against the system. It's become worse in recent years with all the technology in my life, especially having a smart phone to kill time on, to where I'd rather play games on it than do my actual homework. Even my outside studies of kanji isn't helping matters, because every hour I spend studying that, is an hour I could be putting toward my assignments that are actually due. /sigh
Anyway, today was completely tense and I was hoping for some reprieve after classes, but sadly no excitement shall be had. I'm considering confessing what's truly been going on to my counselor, now that I seem to have everything back on the right path. I even went and apologized to my prof tonight and she was completely understanding and I did my best to participate in the class with what little I had. I don't hate going to class, or learning, or group discussions, or reading articles, or anything like that. It's all the outside stuff with deadlines attached that make me nauseous. But soon all I'll have to worry about is the crushing student debt I'll be paying back for the next 20 years. /sigh Yay >.>